![]() ![]() ![]() NC: I already made a Lost in Translation joke in North, so let’s move on. NC (voiceover): Hey, look, Scarlett Johansson is his sister. (We see a brief cut of Alex’s sister Molly, played by Scarlett Johansson) This is because nothing about this movie has anything to do with Home Alone, despite that it carries the name “Home Alone.” So, why does it carry the name “Home Alone”? BECAUSE IT’S A GODDAMN HORRIBLE MOVIE! So, it turns out Alex has the chicken pox, which means he has to stay home from school. None of the original characters are in this movie. (Cut to Alex walking home through the neighborhood in the dark) Hess: (hands Alex the toy car she accidentally took at the airport) Consider this your payment. NC (voiceover): Sheesh, this woman is as compassionate as a punch to my ball sack. Hess: So you can tell the neighborhood I stiffed you on a snow removal job? Your word is worthless.Īlex: Sorry, there’ll be no charge, Mrs. (The Wicked Witch of the West theme music from The Wizard of Oz plays here) We had an understanding, and you broke it. Hess (Marian Seldes): You were supposed to deal with the snow promptly, weren’t you? (We are introduced to the main character, Alex Pruit, who is shoveling snow for Mrs. (We cut to such a neighborhood) Oh! What a shock! And, seeing how it’s a John Hughes movie, my guess is it’s a Chicago suburb where everyone is rich, quirky and white. NC (voiceover): So they get the number of the cab through their…Glove-cam…as they pin down the area where the woman was dropped off. (the spies run up to the taxi, but are too late) Hess getting into a taxi cab, which drives away) Hess), and the spies panic in order to find it. NC (voiceover): But, unfortunately, the bag gets switched with some lady (Mrs. (We are shown a brief cut of the three male spies (consisting of Beaupre, Earl Unger and Burton Jernigan) and Ribbons walking through the airport in a straight line) It’s because of bungholes like you that we have to take our shoes off at the checkpoint. We’ll slip it right past airport security. (hands the chip to a female spy named Alice Ribbons) Hide it in the toy car. NC (voiceover): Seriously, how did we go from a kid being left at a house to weapons espionage? That’s a pretty big fucking leap!īeaupre (inside a car with the other spies): Here. (One of the spies tosses a suitcase of money to Beaupre) Peter Beaupre (leader of the spies played by Aleksander Krupa): That’s what you asked for. NC (voiceover): What is this? Die Hard 5? What does this have to do with Home Alone? Mob Boss #3: Whoever possesses the chip could dominate the entire region. Mob Boss #2: Sounds like your clients want to build a missile that can’t be detected by radar. Mob Boss #1: $10 million for the missile chip. NC (voiceover): So, the movie starts with the typical Home Alone music, followed by the typical Home Alone credits, taking place in the typical Home Alone setting: HONG KONG! Literally, the first minute completely misses the idea of the franchise! NC: Well…(sighs)…let’s see if we can figure it out. ![]() ![]() How could such a great writer stoop to such an insulting, demeaning and absolutely un-entertaining low? NC (voiceover): This is a film where, even if you saw the previews, you felt dirty. (The movie’s title screen is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie) But none of them are as bad as the crowning achievement of horror that is simply known as Home Alone 3. NC: ALL WRITTEN BY HIM! What happened? He was like the voice, and then he got lost to this slapstick-inspired shit.or “slapshit”, as I like to call it. Then 101 Dalmatians, Flubber, Just Visiting, Dennis the Menace, that shitty-ass Miracle on 34 th Street remake. Yes, John Hughes certainly seemed like the voice of a generation.then Home Alone 2 came around. He also was a talented writer, writing screenplays for the National Lampoon Vacation movies, Home Alone, Pretty in Pink and many more. He directed such classics like The Breakfast Club, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and so forth. NC (voiceover): He recently passed away, but what he left behind will last forever. (Images of John Hughes and posters of his various filmography are shown as "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds plays in the background) Let me tell you a story about a brilliant writer and director named John Hughes. ![]()
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